Picture this: You’re on a first date, everything seems perfect — the conversation flows, the laughter comes easy and there’s an undeniable spark. It’s exactly these intoxicating first encounters, best-selling author and dating coach Matthew Hussey warns, is the riskiest moment when it comes to dating.
“The moment we decide we like someone is the most dangerous moment in our dating lives because it is precisely the moment we are most liable to give up our standards with that person,” he said.
He describes this as a critical point where single people are prone to abandoning their standards, particularly after a long search for companionship.
“When an internal culture of anxiety and fear that is never going to happen for us meets an external dating culture of people giving the minimum possible amount to you and taking all they can get. That creates a recipe for us lowering our standards at precisely the time we should be raising,” Hussey said.
Falling fast could sink your standards
Hussey, who hosts the popular podcast “Love Life with Matthew Hussey” and posts engaging YouTube videos, elaborates on dating throughout his new book, “Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily — No Matter What.”
Matthew Hussey
He challenges readers to maintain high standards despite the temptation to settle for less when someone catches their interest.
“When we first meet someone, when we think, ‘Oh, I had an epic date with someone. I had such an amazing connection.’ That’s a reason to invest, but in the beginning, you don’t know who someone is. And we have to remind ourselves of that. We’re only measuring the impact right now; character is very different,” said Hussey.
Navigating early romance
Hussey also says that in the very beginning of a relationship is when maintaining personal identity is the most important even when romance seems promising.
He advises sticking to your normal routine and making time for the things you love and for your friends, even when you’re excited about spending time with someone new.
“If suddenly that becomes your only source, now you feel like you can’t afford to lose them. You always have to be able to lose someone, and the irony is when you know you can lose someone, it actually becomes stronger than ever,” he said.
This approach helps prevent relationships from becoming overwhelmingly central to one’s identity and happiness.
How to spot red flags without turning into a detective
Hussey said the concept of “red flags” in relationships has become very popular, pointing out that dating culture has become overly cautious and people often perceive almost any trait or behavior as a potential warning sign.
“We love talking about them because we all have looking at our past and going, ‘What did I miss?’ But the problem with obsessing over red flags is if we stop being present, it turns us into a detective in our dating lives,” he said.
He encourages daters to trust their own judgment and ability to walk away when necessary.
“By the way, the reason we’re obsessed with identifying red flags is because we don’t trust ourselves to walk away once we’re in. But if we trust ourselves, we don’t need to obsess over red flags because the moment we see one, we trust ourselves to walk away,” he said.
Avoiding the settling trap
Hussey said that a common concern among daters is the fear of settling. Many worry that after committing to someone, they might later meet someone better and regret their initial choice. Some rush and jump into relationships less than a year after ending a relationship or marriage out of fear of being alone. While this may seem easier, Hussey argues that true happiness in a relationship comes from being content with oneself. He challenged the notion that one must be completely fulfilled on their own before they can find happiness with a partner, suggesting that personal contentment is key to a successful relationship.
“I always think, ‘How many people do I know that are in marriages, blissfully happy, going home and figured everything out before they met that person?’ I think it is damaging and it makes us feel inadequate at a time in our lives where we need to show compassion to ourselves. We don’t need to be blissfully happy. We need to learn how to be happy enough that we can always say no to the wrong thing. And when the right thing comes along, we can be ourselves,” he said.
